I thought The Times was a respectable UK paper, holding themselves to the highest standards of journalism, right?
So consider me perplexed when I stumbled up this article called "View from the Dog Box", a week in the life of Andy Murray's new dog Maggie at Wimbledon. No, you read correctly - ANDY'S DOG.
Anyway, I'll let Maggie do the, eh, talking:
I was having a nice dream when Master Andy came into the kitchen, singing as usual. “Wake up, Maggie, I think I've got something to say to you,” he crooned. I gave him a hard stare. He sings a lot - always Rod Stewart numbers. That's how I got this name.
Roger Federer came round to show off his gold-trimmed cardigan. “You wear it well,” Andy sang, pouring himself an Irn-Bru. “A little old-fashioned but that's all right.”
Andy's first match and he thought it would be a good idea to sneak me into the men's changing-room in his kitbag. “But what about the smell?” Mother Judy asked. “Och, she'll soon get used to that,” Andy said.
I watched the Master prepare himself for his opening game. “If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy, come on sugar let me know,” he sang and I woofed along in harmony. That's how I got found out by security. “Out,” a burly man in uniform said. “There's only one barker allowed in here and that's Sue.”
A day off, so Master Andy and I went for a walk on Wimbledon Common. Had a lovely chase after a rabbit. A rather odd rabbit it was, wearing a hat and a scarf. It was carrying a bag of rubbish on its back as well, with the word Orinoco stencilled on it. Anyway, it tasted delicious. Much nicer than the deep-fried Pedigree Chum I usually get.
Watched Andy's second match in the pets' lounge. All the leading players take animals around on tour with them. The Williams sisters have a pair of chameleons that change colour to match their location, Rafael Nadal has a gibbon called Nigel and Roger Federer has a pet cow, Milka (not to be confused with his girlfriend, Mirka), that he was given by his home town in Switzerland after winning his first Wimbledon. He takes it everywhere with him, but it does look ridiculous in a cardy.
I've almost forgiven the Master for telling the media about my toilet problem. I'd like to see him maintain bladder control when watching Maria Sharapova try to hold serve. Andy sat down with Mother Judy to work out a strategy for his third-round match with a German. “I need to be properly Haas-trained,” the Master said. You and me both, Andy.
Translated by Patrick Kidd
I didn't add that last line in either. Shocking, I know.
(image via Getty)